Still waiting, but not worried.

Still waiting for Frontier's letter, but it will come. I'm really excited to get to live with my brothers family and get to see one of my best friends; my sister Danielle everyday for five months. Yay! I'm so excited, can't wait for what's around the bend. What a mystery, I have no clue what He's going in my life, but I can't help but know it's something wonderful. I have been at peace about my life, not that it's perfect, but truly fine, and I'm blessed to be a part of His plan. Good or bad that comes my way, "Praise His Holy Name". There have been things in my life I didn't understand, but at this moment my heart can say, it is well with my soul. The hurt doesn't matter any longer to me, He is Who matters. He is what my life is about, nothing should change that. I can let it go now, and get on with my life because of Him and His love to me. He is the One I want to spend the rest of my life with and for. I'm ready, weather He sends me to school or to Africa, or leaves me right where I'm at. His plans are far more better than mine, how can I not choose to accept His will?

Next step....School?

Could it be? That Frontier School of the Bible is next? Will I be accepted? (of course, haha). Well, if this is all true then I've got a lot of trusting to do to know that I'll get what's needed if it's He will. I was panicking a lot the past couple months about Uganda vs. School. I came to know that I just need rest mentally (rest in Him) and not worry about everything. Just calmly take each step that He places in front of me and keep trusting knowing He'll be there all the way and provide fully even if I can't see it, in which ever the direction He sends me.

Maybe soon?

Well, getting to Uganda seems as though it's a very long process. I talked to a Pastor from Potter's Field about the PFK program in Entebbe and he's gonna be talking to one of the other Pastors about it. There are no promises, but I hope and pray that there is room for me there. It's been so long of a wait, It's been 13 years already. I talked for hours last night as I was trying to sleep but couldn't, so much on my mind. My heart is aching to be in Uganda, but at night things come to me that scare me. I'm so fearful of things that can happen in Uganda, things I see happening to so many kids on documentaries about Northern Uganda. I wouldn't be in that area, but still I get scared and it bugs me most at night. When I let the Lord take over in my thoughts I'm at peace and okay again. So I was talking forever last night and Shawna (sister who I share a room with) is like, "Justine, you've been doing this forever!!!" So I then got up and worked on a new newsletter for Uganda. Hmmm....you know, I don't even know just yet if Potter's Field needs me. Why am I already working on my newsletter? Am I preparing for "rain"? Preparing for something, knowing that even though I don't see it, I know that He is working.

I remember talking with my sister Danielle one night when I was about 11 or 12 years, as you know sisters can't help but talk at all hours of the night. Anyways, we would talk about what he wanted or didn't want to do when we grew up. My fear was becoming a missionary....scared that if I was a missionary then I would be martyred for Christ. Somehow I didn't mixed Africa with being a missionary and I don't know why. But right now in my life, being a missionary is all I can think about anymore. I used to cry to my sister pitifully saying, "I really want to do what God's will is for my life, but I don't want to be a missionary... but if I say I don't want to be a missionary, then He will have me be one....", etc. I would go on and on. Now, I my heart cries, because I can't get there fast enough. I want to fade away from life as I know it and serve in Uganda. I pray God will make a way for a internship next summer/fall next year.

Lord, I'll go...

Entebbe, Uganda, is where I hope to make my next trip. I thought I would start a new blog as the start of my steps through Christ to get there. Starting at the beginning, all the way through, ending when I've returned...or continuing, who knows. As most everyone knows, I first got the desire to go to Africa when I was about six years old. At that young age I'd lay awake at night telling God in my child-like way that I would go to Africa one day to help the children in poverty and without a family, but that I'd do it for Him. I felt a strong urge to do something about the children who have nothing. Even if it was for just a short time, I wanted to shine for Jesus in Africa for a time. I told him I also wanted to adopt from there one day when I was all grown up and married. I wanted to make a difference in some ones life, in a world I've never been in. As I have tried to practice doing this in the town I live in and in the mist of my family each and everyday, I hope to be this to Entebbe in the near future. When I was young my dream was Africa, right. Then 12 years later I began to look more towards Uganda, not yet knowing which town or even totally knowing why. Then within this last year through my time up at Potter's Field Ranch (Mission's Training School), I was excited about Entebbe as they spoke of it often, had a Potter's Field Kids program that I'd love being a part of, and one more thing was that it's also near one of my sponsored kids that I'd get to spend a day with. With how selfish I know I am, going to a world like this could and I know would open my eyes in a way I've never known. I want God to be real in my life. I want to be broken!! Even if it hurts, I know that if I step through whatever comes my way with God's Word in my heart and still in my actions, I can become stronger and more equipped to share His love with the world. Will He continue to open the doors for this heart of mine?? That is my prayer. If He knows He can use me, then He will send me. I will have to remember that if He does sends, He KNOWS I can do it, if I keep my strength in Him. And that when I feel tired, discouraged and wanting to get back home, I can look back on this and how long I've desired to do this for Him and all those children and I can be reminded and refreshed why I'm here. With how few people have the desire to go overseas, you would began to believe that the people who DO have the desire are really meant to go. That the Lord is really placing this on their heart. I believe this. I believe it's been placed on my heart, and without a doubt. And you know what? I'm honestly very much afraid. I think of all the things there. The poverty, the culture, the wars, unhealthy water, sickness, etc. I mean to be honest I am scared to do this. I know fear is NOT from the Lord, so when I do honestly look to Him I feel fearless, like nothing could stop me. But I am human and that fearlessness disappears instantly once I cast my face on something other than my Strength, my God. I've got a few verses that have spoken to me the past few days. One of them is part of Exodus 10:8 "Go, serve the Lord your God." I saw this one two days ago and I took it as another confirmation that yes, I am suppose to go and serve Him there. Another one I read today was Psalm 76:11 "Make vows to the LORD your God, and keep them..." When I told the Lord I'd do this specific thing for Him at the age of six, I still believe that I should keep my word. As He is always faithful to keep His. With me making that "vow" to the Lord that one night in-particular, the Word says here to keep those words, to fulfill it. Until I do this, I will not have peace in my heart. Sometimes I'd get to thinking that maybe I don't want to go and to just stay home where I'm safe from sickness of other countries, where I'm safe from wars, safe and sound with my parents to look after me and where I love my extra soft mattress, or my ton of clothes and all the other things anyone loves. I honestly want to be changed! I want to be improved! I want my heart broken for the things that break His heart. I'm not going to get anywhere sitting in my comfort zone like this. Here's one more verse that stuck with me out of Isaiah 6:8 "Then I heard the Lord asking "Whom shall I send as a messenger to my people? Who will go?" And I said, "Lord I'll go! Send me." Could God be directing those questions to me? In my own personal view, I'd say yes. I know that the answer given in this verse is what I am trying to say. But then again, there's always more than one way to look at a passage. I could be looking at it like this...say that I'm in charge of 30 kids at a kids event, I need a volunteer that slightly knows what they'd be doing and but not exactly knowing how difficult this one task might be, so I ask out with curiosity, "Who should I pick?" wanting to see the response. Many raise there hands to be picked saying, "I'll do it! Pick me", thinking that they could totally do it and of course liking the attention that mixes with it, but get this, only one was needed at the time, what happens to the others? They stay right where they're at and wait there turn IF the leader decides to even pick them. If that makes since at all to you (I know it does me, but than again it's 2:41am, ouch!) So anyways, I could simply be one of those others who raised there hand, but not just yet being the one picked. If one of those kids got up there to be that volunteer, but after getting there realizes how difficult it really is and not being able to fully do it. Then what good does that do? Oh yeah, but then you could also look at it like, you get up there trying to do this on your own, realizing it's to difficult then needing to ask the leader to help. In this case asking the Lord to help teach you to do it. Having strength only in Him and not in ourselves. We will make fools of ourselves if trying to do things on our own.
Well, that's where my hearts at today. Please help me pray for direction, and a fearless heart.